Testimony of Luay Qaqish

“Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you”

By Luay Qaqish

I was born in 1970 in Kuwait in what was called a Christian family. Although I was raised up in a Christian family, I knew little about Christ. I remember in one of the classes at school we used to go to the mosque and learn how to pray to Allah. I was ashamed to tell others that I was a Christian.

I lived in Kuwait for eight and half years. There, I was a good student. Everybody used to tell me that I am a good person. I, on the other, used to feel that there was something missing in my life towards God. Sometimes I used to wonder and ask God, “Why did you create me? It would have been much better if you made me a dove.”

In 1978, my family moved to Jordan. I enrolled in school over there. With each year passing by, the need within me increased. I tried to do good work and to do it from all my heart, but I could not overcome the feeling of guilt towards God. I was scared of death. I felt that I was not accepted by God. In fact, I was so scared from God himself.

For some time I told God, “Why did my family baptize me when I was an infant? Why did they make the decision for me? They don’t know my needs. I am a sinful person and I need to be cleansed from my sins. I need to be baptized right now.” I desperately needed a way to have my sins removed. I thought water baptism would remove my sins. This was one of the wrong teachings that I had at that time.

While still in Elementary School, I started attending Sunday school at a born-again Christian Church. I remember some faithful persons, Abu & Um Philip, missionaries from Britain, and sister Grace Abu Jaber; they worked hard to teach us God's word. I enjoyed learning about God and Christianity. I was blind; I didn’t know God but knew about him. Many years later, in his own timing, God opened my eyes and I understood everything I learned. Oh God, I was really blind! The word of God will not return empty; it will always work not in our timing but in his own timing.

During Sunday school, after each meeting, the teachers used to give us a form to fill that asked us if we want to accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior. I filled this form many times. I prayed and accepted Jesus from all my heart on numerous occasions. The feeling of guilt towards God, however, didn’t go away. I remained scared of God and had no assurance of being accepted by Him. Six years ago, while I was arranging our small store, I opened one book and found one of these papers that I signed when I was a boy. I held my breath and I cried because of God’s love and patience towards me. I, also, saw a photo of me singing with a teen church choir and everybody was clapping for us at church - although I was not saved.

I was a good person from everybody’s point of view, but there was a deep need inside me, the need to satisfy God. I wanted to please him because I was scared of him. This need was becoming greater, and I tried satisfy it by doing good work and by fasting, but could not. The world’s teachings were that if you do more good things than bad things, then you will be OK; but I was against these teachings because I felt deep in my heart that sin was sin, and I should not sin at all, even with my thoughts. I felt that I needed to be perfect in order to please God. I tried so hard to be perfect and not to sin, but I saw my sins in front of me all the time. I felt that my sins separated me from God, as though there was a chain consisting of many rings and God is holding the chain from the upper end, and I was holding it from the other end. I felt that whenever I sinned any small sin, I broke one of the rings of the chain, and I immediately got separated from God and fell down in Hell. I was praying to God from all my heart, and many times while sleeping, I wetted my pillow while praying. I remember lying there on the bed, hiding from everyone; I didn’t want any one my family to know what was going on. At night, I waked up several times, hoping to see Jesus. I wanted to see him.

I fasted from meat. I later learned that this is not the Biblical way of fasting. The next years, I fasted for 40 days, each day not eating anything until 5 PM. At the same time, I continued attending the church services and obeying the commandments of the Bible. The need inside of me, however, became bigger and bigger. I could not overcome sin. I could not defeat it. I had no assurance that God accepted me. I was so scared of God. I blamed God many times for what I was going through, “Why did you create me? Was it to punish me? Every single sin separates me from you. I am trying not to sin and not to even think any wrong thought, but I cannot do it.”

In 1988, I graduated from High school, and received my12^th standard school degree called tawjehee. I was accepted at Jordanian Universities in fields of studies that I did not like; therefore, I decided to go to India to study there, not knowing then that God had a special plan for me.

Many days after I arrived in India, I was walking with a friend by a river in Puna. I saw a crowd of people looking at the river. My friend and I stopped on the bridge to see what was going on. There were two men pulling up something from the water. It was the dead body of a drowned girl. This event reminded me with the question, which I had no answer for: “If I die today, where will I go?”

I could not have peace with God, even when I tried to please him with all my heart, my strengths, and my abilities. I was scared from God, and many times cried to Him. "Please, God, do accept me". I fasted and asked him to give me assurance that He is with me and I am with him. I asked him, “Am I a chosen one by you? If not, that is not fair. You know how much I love you.”

I went to the Jordanian Embassy in New Delhi to take care of some things regarding my admission to the university. In New Delhi, I stayed with Jordanian friends in a small hotel. One evening, my friends invited me to come with them to spend the night in a nightclub. They told me that I would really enjoy it. I refused to come with them, and I told them, “NO.” They all left except for one friend. My friend and I decided to go out and eat supper at a restaurant that was 10 minutes away from the Hotel. We took the Recksha, a three-wheel vehicle, to the restaurant. While we were on our way back to the hotel, a speeding truck ran us over. I immediately lost my consciousness and remained unconscious for several days. The story of the accidence was a great testimony of God's Love and of his miraculous and perfect healing.

In the accident I have experienced something I will never forget in my life, and I do believe that every person will experience the same thing at the moment of dying: I saw my self, as it is, sinful. All the good things that I have done were nothing. I saw myself and all my good works burning in fire. I felt lonely and far away from God. I saw myself naked and I begged God to forgive me. This was a horrible moment in my life. When I waked up from the unconsciousness, I became more afraid of death. I knew, then, that I was going to Hell. I was scared from God, and I had no assurance whatsoever that He had accepted me.

When I left hospital, I wholeheartedly forgave the truck driver; I did not accept any thing from him, and signed the papers to free him from jail. I did this because I felt that God has forgiven me and kept me alive. What if I died this time?

After the accident I started blaming God for what had happened, “Why did you do this to me?” I told him, “If I have gone with my friends to the nightclub, the accident would have not happened. This is unfair!”

At last, I realized that the way that I was following was not the right one. I needed to start from square one. While I was dying in the hospital, I was assured of God’s existence, but now I needed to know the way to reach him, the way to reconcile with him. I started to pray to God, “I know you are faithful and good. Please show me the way which leads to you!” India is free country and there are so many religions available over there. I told God many times, “If Islam or Hinduism, or any other religion is the right one, I will follow it. I will follow you wherever you are. Please, declare your ways and your self to me.” I prayed a lot, cried a lot, and even tried to fast three continuous days without eating anything. I leaned one thing from this type for fasting: man is very weak, he has a false pride, and life is worthless. I saw life as very dark.

I asked GOD to lead me to the truth. I started searching for the way that would lead to God. I met many people of different religions who were very faithful to their own religion, but NO one answered my questions: “If I Die Where Will I Goo? Do you have assurance that you are accepted by God? Do you have real and steady peace in your heart?” Even though the religious men I met were doing good works, more than I had ever done in my entire life, but they had nothing to offer that would satisfy my needs.

Amidst the darkness of this life, I finally saw a small light. Among all the teachings that I was studying, I was touched by the love of the prophet Jesus. Jesus attracted me. I was attracted by his loving life, and by his teachings. I saw Jesus different from everyone else. Something inside me pressed me to learn more about him. I started reading some booklets, and developing relationships with Jehovah Witnesses. I really loved Jesus and prayed to him as prophet. I asked him to lead me to God. The problem with my sins, however, was not solved yet. I was willing to see Jesus as prophet and I was excepting to see him each time in front of me while praying, I wanted that indeed.

One day I was walking in the MG Rood (the main road in Puna), there was a man from southern Sudan giving away free Arabic Bible. There were lots of Arab students from Sudan, the Golf countries, Jordan, etc. in Puna. The man spoke Arabic, although his mother language was not Arabic. I took the Bible and it had both the Old and New Testaments. What a mighty God that he brought me an Arabic Bible while in India!

The name of the person was Agasteno. While distributing the Bibles to the student, he was full of love and simplicity, and he was always happy. I saw many people laughing at him, but he did not care. Instead, he continued in a simple and loving way to distribute the Bibles and to speak about Jesus. I later helped him to reach to my Christian friends from Jordan.

Brother Agasteno took me to a meeting. I remember it was in a basement of a building. There, I started leaning about Jesus. There was something different in the prayers of these People and in the Pastor. The Pastor’s name was Saleem. He came from a Muslim background. His testimony was strong. God was using him in a great way, and he was willing to die for Christ.

Brother Agasteno told me in very simple way and with love that Jesus is God; he is not only a prophet. He came as a prophet to free us from our sins by dying on the cross as a ransom. He, also, told me that the people I was contacting, Jehovah’s Witnesses, had false teachings.

I could not believe that Jesus was God at that time. I spent many nights reading the Bible. I started from Mathew and read the whole New Testament in a chronological order. In an ordered way, I marked each verse that said Jesus Is LORD. I saw that this is true; the Bible teaches that Jesus is God! There were some verses from the Bible that I was so much afraid of:

Strive to enter in at the strait gate: for many, I say unto you, will seek to enter in, and shall not be able…

When once the master of the house is risen up, and hath shut to the door, and ye begin to stand without, and to knock at the door, saying, Lord, Lord, open unto us; and he shall answer and say unto you, I know you not whence ye are

I asked God to accept me. I did not want to say “Lord, Lord”, and then the Lord would answer me, ”I do not know you.” I cried, “I want to know you Lord.” Then I began to see all what I learned when I was child in a different way; surely the word of God will not return empty. All I can say is, “Indeed, I was blind and now I can see.” I felt something was changed inside of me. I was filled of God’s love and with genuine happiness. I was praying all the time while the tears filled my eyes; they were tears of happiness as a result of the love of God.

I found out that I could not save myself. I was sinning all the time, and I thought that I could not come to God until I cleaned myself from all sins and by doing good works. I wasted many years of my life trying to do just that, and I failed. My advice to you, my friend, is to come to God as you are with all your sins, and ask God into your life. He will surely work in your life; he is the only one who can.

I learned that there is no man or any human who could save me from my sins. I needed someone perfect, without any sin, to save me. Only a perfect being could do this; God alone is perfect (without any sin). I believe that there is only one God, who has revealed himself in three persons, The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit. God the Father has sent his only Son to die on the cross. The Son lived like me yet without sinning, and he fulfilled all the laws (which I was not able to fulfill). He died on the cross as ransom (cost of my sins). He was raised in the third day and raised me with him. (It’s not only words on paper; it is real. I feel like crying while I am typing this because of God’s love). Now, I have steady peace because when I accepted him, He has sent his holy sprit into my heart to give me assurance, via the Blood Of JESUS. Because of this assurance, I am not afraid of death, because now I can truly answer the question: “where I will be when I die?” I have No MORE FEAR of God.

I believe that without His Love and Grace I could not have known him. What if I died in the accident before knowing him? Thank you, LORD JESUS, for your LOVE and Grace.

My Fear of God has changed to real LOVE. I obey him now because be He loved me first and put his Love in my heart towards him (my love is an echo of his love). The constitution of my life is God’s Word, The Holy Bible; it’s my daily bread. I got victory over sin and Satan through the Blood of Jesus. God, always, cares for me, and he will fulfill his will in my life. He also told me that, “I will use you.”

I know now that God’s will was for me to meet him in India. I have lost one year in the university due to the accident, but God gave me eternal life in Christ.

Finally, I would like to say that there is a need inside each person. Only the real God can meet this need. You can deceive people, even you can deceive your self, but you cannot deceive God. All what I want to ask you is, “if You Die today, Where You Will Go?” Please do answer this question frankly and with assurance inside yourself.

_______________________