A House From Ashes

By Josie*

* Last name is withheld

I was born in South America, of a single mother who was pretty young. I grew up living in different households: my grandmother's and my two aunts'. I grew up without feeling that anybody loved me or cared for me. I was very sad and angry at the world because I never had a family like my friends or cousins.

I was a very defiant and disobedient child. I fought with all the children. In high school, I was very lonely. I had a strong personality and had no friends because I did not know how to communicate with others. During high school, I lived with my mother for three years. This was the longest period living with one family at one time. My mother had several boyfriends and then later a husband. She gave her body to men in return for security. She ended up with seven children from different men. I grew up listening to my aunts criticizing my mom for everything that she did. I hated mom and didn't respect her. I didn't want to be like her. I didn't want my children to go through what I went through: loneliness, insecurity, and total emotional instability. I wanted to have one husband and he had to be the father of all my children.

I fought so much with my stepfather because I believed that my mom loved him more than us, her children. I criticized everything he did. I decided to move out of the house after I graduated from high school. I went to live with my grandmother, started working full time, and started my first semester in college. I felt that only my grandmother loved me and cared for me. My grandmother later had a stroke and she had to live with my aunt, so I had to move out of her house. I didn’t want to live with my aunt. Because I was working and making some money, I decided to pay for a room. I wanted to prove to all my family that I didn't need them. I could do it on my own.

At that time, I had a boyfriend whom I loved so much. He got another girl pregnant so I had to leave him. I asked him to marry that girl. I didn't want her child to go through what I went through. He married her, and I was so sad because I really cared for him. I later got another boyfriend. My second boyfriend asked me to sleep with him. I refused. He told me that if I didn't sleep with him, he would sleep with other girls. He promised to marry me. I gave in to his request, so that he would not leave me.

At work, a coworker shared with me about God at lunchtime. She asked me if I believe in Jesus Christ and I said, "Yes, I am catholic." Then she asked, "Do you have a Bible?" When I told her I did not, she said, "How do you know God if you do not read the Bible?" Then she brought her Bible to work and we read together. One noon, we read John 3:16 and that day I prayed and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. This was the first time I felt somebody really loved me. He loved me not because of my body, not because I was pretty, or intelligent. Jesus Christ loved me as I was. I didn't have to give him anything to get his love in return.

My friend invited me to go to church. My boyfriend didn't want me to go. I broke up with him. I visited mom and told her that I was going to church. She said, "What happened to you? You look like you have peace! Something happened to you." I told her that Jesus was now in my life. When Jesus came into my heart everything changed. He loved me unconditionally and just as I was, and he didn't reject me for the pain that was in my heart. Peace came to my heart and I was able to forgive my mother knowing that God loved her with all her mistakes.

At church there was a guy who was a weak Christian. He asked me to have sex with him. I accepted because I was lonely. For me, this was very normal because I had done it before. My mother, my aunts, and my cousins did it. It was the normal way of living. My new boyfriend, however, was trying to hide it. He told me not to tell anyone at church about it. I didn't understand why he was hiding it.

In 1992, I asked God how come there was no fruit in my life. How come none of my family members were at church like the rest of the churchgoers? I felt God was telling me to go back and live with my family. I resented the idea of going back there. I prayed for six months not to go there. I sensed that God was saying to me, "who else should I send to your family?" At that point, I started feeling that having a sexual relationship outside of marriage is wrong. It was good for me to go back and have some accountability. I went back home, and I told my boyfriend that I couldn't continue my relationship with him. Although I left him, the tie was so strong that it took a whole year for me to break from him.

One day, I was listening to a preacher. He said, "You are like a perfume. You smell good in God's presence. If a fly come, it will contaminate you." It was just like me. I let men come to my life and contaminate it. I decided to break completely from this sin and from this man. I started serving in Sunday School. I worked with a missionary agency where I taught people to read and write. I felt that the Lord was saying to me that he had great plans for me.

My boyfriend came back after me. I went back with him. I got pregnant and I had an abortion because he did not want to marry me. I could not believe that this could happen to a daughter of God. I felt like garbage. I was good for nothing. I decided to kill myself. It wasn't worth for a person like me to live any longer. I bought a train ticket. I stood by the wall next to the track. I was planning to jump in front of the train. I tried to jump, but there was a force that held me back. I couldn't throw myself. I knew that God didn't want me to throw myself. I asked for forgiveness and asked God to change my life. That evening Josei died for the desire of her flesh and started living in righteousness according to the scripture, the Bible. I never saw the guy again.

God opened doors for me. I started waking up in the morning to pray. I also started to fast. It was a spiritual fight in my life. God opened new opportunities for me. I started going on mission trips, helping and caring for people. I started flourishing as a believer. I told God that I wanted to do something for him. I wanted to be a missionary like the apostle Paul and go to places where the gospel has not been preached.

As a Christian I had to change my standards of conduct. I could not tell any more lies, had to change my dress style, change the music that I listened to and change my group of friends. I never saw this guy again after that day. I lost a lot of other friends because I would not go anymore to dances with them or watch movies that didn't glorify God. I understood that these activities did not glorify God and He did not want me to participate in these activities. I believe that my body is the temple and dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, so I should do the things that are profitable for the Kingdom of Heaven.

I prayed to God for one year to make me a missionary. After that God opened a door. I was given a visitor visa to the United States. I worked with a church in California for four and a half years. The Lord used my dark past to help many teenagers. I met a missionary and he told me about a great Bible school where I could be prepared for God purpose in my life. My church supported me to attend this school. God provided through my church to pay for all my expenses during the four years.

When I started in the Bible Institute, I thought that I was going to be a single missionary. However, God had a different plan. There, I met a young man with the name of Christopher. Christopher asked me out. I refused. I wanted to be a single missionary. I was several years older than him. But more importantly, he would never go for me if he knew about my past. I didn't deserve to have a husband.

Christopher prayed for me for a whole year. He asked me again. I told him, "I want to be a missionary, but you don't want to." He told me, "How do you know I don't want to be a missionary?" I prayed and decided to tell him the whole truth about my past. He told me, "If God has forgiven you, I cannot but forgive you." We got married. The Lord is good. He built a house from ashes, transformed totally my life and gave me a future that only he can offer.

I believe that I am saved through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ on the cross. He took me from the darkness and brought me to His light. I believe in the Bible and in all the promise that Jesus has for me. With His power He has transformed my life and given me a new hope of everlasting life. I am glad that I can talk to God at any time and that He is with me all the time.

My vision is to serve the Lord with my husband as missionaries teaching English as a second language in the midst of the Muslim World. I am convinced that God loves the Muslims and wants them to be saved. One of the best ways to reach this group of people is through my testimony and daily showing God's love to them.