Why Do Christian Women Reject Good Christian Men?

Readers Views

A reader Wrote:

I want to share something about believers (women).

During the last few years I met a number of ladies who are not believers. In the past few months I was building a steady friendship with a few of them.

My friendship with them has caused me to think a lot. They are beautiful young women, very smart, very intelligent, and their relational skills are very admirable. Despite the fact that they are not believers, they exhibit such a high level of Christian conduct. They are honest, sincere, deep, thoughtful, kind, respectful, considerate, sensitive, eloquent, patient, understanding and empathetic, and very content. Very successful in their careers, very independent. And they really don't ask for much. They want to support their future husbands, rather than be a burden.

While talking to them, I am often impressed by the quality of their characters. And I often wish if they were believers. They are Christian, but not believers.

Other than they’re being unbelievers, I really don't have any problem marrying any of them. They are very open to it. They introduce me to their families, their friends, and their colleagues. An invitation is presented, and it seems very obvious to me what they want.

This often leads to lots of questions in my heart. Why are there no female believers who can offer me the same? And why should I choose to ignore these ladies when no Christian woman ever seems to offer the same? Years pass, year after year, and it is really hard as one begins to age.

Why do Christian women seem to not want me...? It seems a mystery to me. I feel that every believer lady, that I might be interested in, is definitely not interested in me.

I have noticed the same phenomenon happening to other guys who are believers.

I bet that many wonderful Christian men have asked your hand in marriage, and yet you said no to them. I bet the same choice is made by lots of other ladies in the church. They are very nice guys, but yet Christian ladies do not want them.

Further on, though I strongly believe in the role of a man as an initiator, I sometimes ask myself why should I even explore the possibility with some women, because it seems certain to me that they will say no. It is humiliating to ask someone for anything, imagine how much harder it is to hear no for an answer. And ladies do not even seem to understand that it is hard to actually tell them these things.

Any ideas?

Readers Responses

I wonder how much this young man has prayed before he thought of or tried to approach the Christian girls he's talked about. If we trust God's ultimate love for us and His will in our lives then we are willing to wait on Him more since He is the ALL Knowing. I would tell this young man that when God doesn't allow a certain marriage to occur, it's for his best. God knows that this marriage might not be good for him. Do you see what's happening in the world, the divorces and other problems? All things work together for the good for those who love Him. I don't know why people are obsessed with this topic and can't seem to wait on the Lord. I think one of the reasons is because other people and even so called Christians keep on pushing and pressuring others who are not married yet. I wish people would let God do His work instead of pressuring others. Maybe God is still preparing you for whatever He has in store for you. God sees things differently than we do. His thoughts are much higher than ours and His ways are different than ours.

I would also remind this young man that God is faithful and rewards those who wait upon him. The secret is to be willing to accept God's will whatever or whenever it might be.

Patsy Saba

Washington DC

Nothing is wrong with Christian Women (Please factor in the human imperfections), they just have higher standards, and the good ones refuse to compromise. The catching statement in the letter of the questioning young man is that all believers (women) have refused him; one or two is very understandable. So Instead of going around and searching for some one it is time to search within and to examine his own standards. These so called rejections could be the best things that have ever happened to him. Knowing Gods’ will in our life and choices is something that a Christian man or women should never take lightly. (Not mixing light with darkness).

Name Withheld

United States

As a Christian women, I have found it hard to say "yes" to a Christian man because in the same way that you have not found the qualities you are looking for in a Christian women, I have not found them in a Christian man, who in addition to all these things I have fallen in love with his personality. Everyone is looking for the qualities that you mentioned that you have found in those non-believing women... But what you want is, in addition to all those things, someone you personally can fall in love with, and who will be your best friend too.

Giselle

Canada

The reason these unbelieving women are available because they know they can dump you if it doesn’t work out – they can always divorce you. While Christian women honor the marriage contract and divorce is not an option and that’s why they are too picky.

Name Withheld

United States

Dear Brother,

This phenomenon you described I've noticed myself. I've taken it a step further to analyze what types of guys or approaches get positive reactions from "Christian Women" and I came to a few conclusions.

1.) Some Christian girls (specifically born again) have high tendency to be unjustifiably conceited. This however, can be easily countered by not showing too much interest in the gal but being sure to establish a solid friendship which will bring her defensive guard down. Slowly ease in afterward, be James Bond 007.

2.) Some Christian girls (specifically born again) have been brainwashed. They have an image of a guy they are waiting for and believe that the guy exists. Your job is to be that guy or at least convince them you are. The hard part here, you don't do it verbally you show it in every other way, including saving a cat from a tree if required. Just kidding. No really!

3.) Most Christian girls want a guy who knows who he is, where he's going, what he believes and most of all reminds them of their father or somebody they admire. Get to know the girl's friends, siblings and be their friends and you'll find yourself in her circle really quick. Play your cards right, don't impose, let them draw you in.

4.) Most girls want to feel appreciated. Get to know her well, the little things here matter most. Everybody knows she sings at church on Sunday's but how many people know her favorite color is blue or that she loves strawberries on hummos?

5.) The last conclusion and most important I've discovered is none of the previous conclusions matter. If you honor God in your life and trust that he is sovereign, he will deliver. Don't give up on Christian girls because they posses a beauty that the best non-believer doesn't. That beauty which comes from the Holy Spirit works in her heart and lives in her smile. Be patient, God may want to do some more work in you.

Mike Labib

Illinois, USA

Yes, it is hard to approach a woman and it is hard to be rejected, but that’s how we grow up. You cannot take everything personal. But if you kept getting rejected, ask yourself “What am I doing wrong?” Are you praying for God to send you the right one?

Christine Najjar

Illinois, USA

I agree with him. There is a problem. Believers – both men and women-are very picky. I advise him to look at the spiritual beauty in a woman.

The Lord brought Eve to Adam, and he will bring the right woman to you.

Farida Kirokis

Illinois, USA

I don’t know this person or the women he’s been communicating with, but from being part of Bible studies with believers and with friends who are outside that group, I think that people act differently. In church groups, some people tend to act even more ‘good’ and hold back part of their personality which would not offend women, but attract them. When I see some of the guys in my Bible study, they are so quiet and keep to themselves too much. Really, my advice to him would be to act the same with both groups. Apparently he has nothing to lose.

Nermine Mikhail

Texas, USA

It is very interesting and strange to hear this question coming from a gentleman. It's usually the other way around. I heard so many Godly Arabic Christian women asking with bitterness why Arabic Christian men reject Christian women and prefer non-believers or non-Arabs.

Like they say "the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence." Arabic men like non-Arabs and non-believers and vice versa. The reason why is simply because we as Arab carry lots of baggages with us when we enter a relationship and don't feel at ease with our people, men or women...while we feel more secure and at ease and able to accept anything coming from other than our own people. The problem is within US. We have to take a deep look into our inner heart and find out whether or not we truly are good Christian men or women and what other people see in us or how they perceive us.

As for the spiritual aspect...if we truly surrendered our life to

Christ, if we truly trust in HIM, and if we truly believe HE holds the future (including future mates), then we should rest assure and at peace that his will to our lives will be done whether we marry or stay single.

God intervenes at the right time to give us the desire of our hearts when we delight in HIM.

Nada Hatem

Virginia, USA

This young man might consider leading one of these "non believers" to a saving knowledge of the Lord, and then marrying one of them.

Perhaps, this young man could consider cultivating some personality and interests that would be attractive and magnetic to both believers and non-believers alike.

Perhaps, the so-called believing young ladies, are not mature spiritually, and cannot see good quality traits in a potential good husband.

Marriage has a 40% risk factor for first marriages - So, I strongly urge this young man to marry for all the right reasons. Some Christian psychiatrists mentioned, "most people marry for all the wrong reasons."

I wish this young man that he will pursue God's will, and also - that "He delight in the Lord, and He will give Him the desires of his heart."

Irene Portokalis

Chicago, Illinois

First of all I would like to let this gentleman know that he is not alone in this experience. I meet many people, men and women alike, who encounter single people of the opposite sex to whom they are attracted, yet are apprehensive about entering into a relationship with them due to the fact that they are not believers. Concurrently, they seem to encounter rejection from believers or else seem to lack opportunities to meet believers who they feel are compatible.

Secondly, I would like to commend this gentleman for sticking to his convictions. Many do not and enter into a covenant relationship with someone who does not hold the same faith.

There are a few issues that need to be clarified here in addressing this man's question and frustration.

1. There appear to be two Biblical requirements concerning who one marries. First, it is required that the potential spouse is of the opposite sex. The support for this is first and foremost evident in the Creation account of Genesis 1 and 2. Male AND female were created in the image of God and the man was only complete when God formed the woman and brought her to the man. This requirement is supported in the Law and the whole of Scripture. The second requirement is that the potential spouse be a believer (2 Cor. 6:14). God instructed Solomon not to marry foreign wives because they would lead him astray from exclusive devotion to God. Solomon disobeyed the Lord, and his idolatrous wives led him away from true devotion to the Lord.

2. The man's belief is that "Christian Women Reject Good Christian Men." I'm not trying to be funny here but, I take exception with the notion that there are such things as "Good Christian Men (or women)." When Jesus was addressed as "Good Master," Jesus replied "Why do you call me good? There is none good except God." So, either Jesus was God (which he is) or he is not good. Well, guess what. The same holds true today. And we are not God. An important thing to remember is that we can perceive numerous, desirable traits in others (believers or not), but we should not be deceived into thinking that they are the "perfect mate." Please do not compromise God's requirements for marriage by thinking that it's o.k. to find someone you believe to be "good." Like Solomon, you will learn a hard lesson. Unfortunately, because someone is a believer doesn't necessarily make them a good candidate for marriage. Some people who profess to be believers act much worse than those who don't. This takes wisdom of people that know the person whom you are considering. Look for signs of integrity or lack thereof. Are they more concerned with their own interests than God's or that of others? Don't rush into anything.

3. Finally, remember that God is good and that He always has the good in mind for His children. Once again this is first evident in the Creation account. Everything God created was "good." Good for what? God didn't need anything Himself. It was good for His creatures and humans were entrusted with caring for God's good creation and expected to enjoy it. God knows what is good for you concerning marriage. While it may not be what you would expect or desire, you must trust that God will provide what/who is good for you, when it is a good time for you and His will.

David Largent

Dallas, Texas

I will mention some points why Christian women reject good Christian men:

1. Wrong approach. For example, if a christen man approaches a woman out of the blue and he tells her "I am interested in you and I want to marry you," the woman will immediately say no or she will not show interest in him because she would think that the man is desperate; although some women might give men a chance.

2. Lack of confidence. Women like to interact with men who are confident, have good

Posture, easy going and relaxed, and don't seem very nervous by having a hard time talking and expressing their feelings.

3. Self centered. When men care about their own happiness and don't care about women's feelings.

4. Unnecessary talk. When men talk about topics that sound boring, or when they talk about some personal topics that women would feel they shouldn't be involved in.

5. When men don't give women the chance to talk and share their ideas. Women will get humiliated!

6. Lack of focus during communication. Men should pay good attention to what women say.

7. When a man crosses his limits and starts talking about topics that don't sound appropriate. Women will definitely get offended; although I doubt that good Christian men fall in this category.

8. When a man is conceited and he thinks that all women will fall for him. Most women will not feel comfortable dealing with this man.

9. When men don't tell the truth about who they really are, and make themselves sound better to impress women. Most women are smart to catch a lie. Men should be honest when they tell women about themselves.

I believe that the wise thing for a man to do before approaching a woman is to be ready. For example, when someone goes for a job interview, he has to know some info about the company he wants to work for. He has to convince the interviewer why he's interested to work in this company and what makes this person qualified to work in this company. He has to prove how he will be willing to benefit this company in the present and the future. He also has to show that he will be committed to the company, and so on.

Furthermore, men should give hints to women that they are interested in them, and they are hoping to marry them one day, so women won't feel that men are just playing games and they are not taking things seriously, or they might just feel that men want them as friends only not more. Most Christian women are interested in men who love Christ, men who seem busy with work, men who can take responsibility, men who are mature, caring, smart, and loving, men who are not afraid to express their feelings toward women and tell them nice things about their personalities and their looks. Women will definitely show interest in them, respect them, and appreciate them.

I also believe that God has a wonderful plan for his children. Single Christian men should trust in God's plan, pray, and fast when it comes to marriage. If they get rejected once, twice, or more, they shouldn't give up and start looking for the wrong alternative, for example, by going for nonbelievers so they can feel better and accepted. God teaches the believers to be patient and to trust in his promises. I believe that the right Christian woman is out there for you good Christian men because the Lord is faithful to fulfill the needs of his children.

Rula S.

Illinois, United States

Brother, please ask yourself the following important questions: Will these honest, sincere, deep, thoughtful, respectful, considerate, sensitive, eloquent, patient, understanding, empathetic, content, successful, independent women bring you closer to Jesus? Will these women who don’t ask for much and only want to support their husband—support you through prayers and fasting? Will they be good mothers who will teach their children biblical truth? Will they base their lives on biblical principles so that when they meet a guy who is more successful, understanding, thoughtful, considerate, sensitive, eloquent, patient than you, they will not leave you for him?

There is more hope in an inarticulate woman who Christ is the center of her conversation than an articulate one who can talk about politics, love, art, history, family, science, and anything but Christ. There is more hope in a dependant woman who learned how to depend on Christ than an independent one who never consults God with her choices. There is a greater hope for the greatest sinner on her knees than a respectful woman who doesn’t pray. The reality is it is more conceivable to believe that your future wife will be loving, honest, respectful, considerate, sensitive, patient, understanding, empathetic, content, etc… if she is filled with the Holy Spirit.

But reading your letter carefully, I can see possible reasons why Christian women are reluctant to accept you as a marriage partner. It is very troubling that your relationships with unbelievers have reached to the point that there are invitations on the table. Even the fact that you are willing to explore this option – and are actually exploring it – is a problem. Christian women want someone who has a clear worldview, someone whose worldview is based on the Bible, someone whose worldview doesn’t change with one’s experiences, frustrations, disappointments. Christian women want to marry a man who they can trust and depend on. It is hard to trust a man whose system of beliefs and worldview can suddenly change or who is willing to compromise one’s principles. Another possible reason that Christian women may say “No” is that they may not think you are serious about marriage. It is apparent from your email that you are exploring relationships with multiple women and what is troubling is that you are exploring relationships with women whom at that point of time you are not willing to marry. Why would these unbelieving women introduce you to their parents, friends, and coworkers and put an invitation on the table unless you have showed some interest in them? So apparently, you show interest to women that you are not willing to marry, you are sending misleading or mixed messages to these women, and have no regards to their feelings and time investments. Christian women seek a man who is clear in his intentions and serious about them, a man who when he pursues them, he is not pursuing many others at the same time. Apparently, you have not shown yourself a trustworthy man to Christian women.

That’s on a personal note, but on a general one, I have come across wonderful Christian men who kept getting rejected by women over and over again. Many were rejected simply because they had not much money, they were full time in the ministry, they didn’t have glamorous education degrees and jobs, they didn’t have the charm and looks, or for other ridiculous reasons. But what I have noticed that, in every single case, the men who waited upon the Lord and didn’t compromise the biblical teaching regarding being unequally yoked with unbelievers ended up getting married, and the woman they married was better and more suitable than all the women who rejected them.

The problem is that many people are afraid from rejection because they think of it as someone rejecting them personally, rather than that the Lord has closed the door. Before you approach a woman, pray to the Lord, “If this woman is not from you, harden her heart and let her say ‘No’.” This way, when the woman says “No,” it will be an answer of prayer, rather than a disappointment. We should thank God for rejections. They are one way the Lord uses to guide our steps. Furthermore, being rejected doesn’t make a man less of a man. Jesus, the greatest man ever lived, was rejected by his own people, his own brothers. Today, Jesus initiates a personal relationship with millions of men and women and many reject him. Instead avoiding getting rejected try to cultivate the right worldview on rejection, remembering that the student is not better than his master.

Name Withheld

United States

Keep trying...keep waiting...keep praying...be active...don't give up! The Lord has the right person at the exact right time and it will happen.

Learn to be "REAL" and be a "FRIEND" ...and don't be afraid!

God has a plan, but his hands are tied when there is so much pride (girls and guys)!

Tony

United States